Presidential NFL Debate

This is cut from ESPN NFL Blog, thought it was interesting and humorous.


I heard that there's some kind of an election today, so to get it on the spirit of things, we're going to help you celebrate with some election-themed posts. Don't like politics mixed in with your football? Don't worry, baby birds, MJD hears you, and he'll do you right. These posts will be more NFL than electoral college. It'll be OK. First, a list of NFL people who might be comfortable in the shoes of a man running for office.

Tom Brady. He's a little bit JFK'ish, no? Of course, there's the connection to Massachusetts, there's the fact that he's young and handsome, and they both enjoyed the occasional dalliance with a beautiful and willing young lady.

Clinton Portis. Always opinionated, and he's been around for a while. "Portis Pockets Straight" (translation here, if necessary) could serve as a nice jumping off point for a campaign slogan. "Clinton Portis. Getting America's pockets straight." Campaign t-shirts have already been made.

Drew Brees. I don't think anyone dislikes Drew Brees. The birthmark on his face could turn into a negative, though, as some underhanded opposing strategist could suggest that it's some kind of marking indicating affiliation with a terrorist group. People seem to believe that kind of nonsense these days.

Pacman Jones. Don't laugh. Given our current economic troubles, couldn't Pacman gather some support by promising to make it rain on the middle class? And he might not have the same concern for Joe The Plumer, but Cinnamon the Exotic Dancer would gather lots of attention.

Tank Johnson. The perfect running mate for Pacman. An anti-gun control campaign could be very effective.

Kellen Winslow. Like John McCain, he can continually reference his days as a soldier.

Al Davis. I see Al running as some kind of insane third-party candidate with a bizarre platform, like legalizing hemp and murder. His economic policy? No one gets any money except Tommy Kelly.

Adrian Peterson. The nickname "Purple Jesus" would attract some of the religious vote, but you'd have to think it would turn off porphyrophobics. At the very least, you'd have to think that he could carry the state of Minnesota. If they'll vote the former tag team partner of Adrian Adonis governor, they'll vote for Peterson as president.

Matt Ryan. He's probably not ready for the big chair in the oval office just yet, but he shows tremendous potential. Might be more suitable as a young running mate who could take over in 2016.

Donovan McNabb. When he was drafted, he was booed by a group of ignorant and hateful people, and he eventually won them over. The ignorant and hateful demographic is very important in American politics right now.

Bill Parcells. Actually reminds me a lot of John McCain. Old, crotchety, wise, and pasty.

LaDainian Tomlinson. Bright smile, very personable, very sincere. Pretty well-liked around the league, and he comes from a small, Texas town so he can play up that "I'm just like you" bit that's so popular these days.

Peyton Manning. A safe and obvious candidate. If corporate America feels like he has broad appeal across the country (and obviously, they do), they're probably right. Friendship with Marvin Harrison could turn out to be a liability, as could the fact that he can't win in Florida.

Herm Edwards. You RUN ... to win the ELECTION. A good, compassionate and honorable man who makes everyone to whom he speaks feel good. He'd be a fantastic candidate. And his clock management problems wouldn't be an issue. In fact, it might be a positive. You know how when a president is leaving office, and on their last day, they do a bunch of crazy things because he won't have that opportunity again? No problem here. Herm wouldn't even realize his term was over until about a month after the fact.

Kurt Warner. Could run as an uber-religious third-party candidate who wants to make prayer mandatory in schools, prisons, strip clubs, treehouses, and public restrooms. Running mate, Jon Kitna. And I do believe that Brenda Warner would make a fantastic first lady.

Hines Ward. A little Obama-esque here. He's always smiling, he's involved in the community, the kids love him, and he brings the multiculturalism. Will likely lose points in any election when he elects to blindside his opponent with a unnecessarily vicious (but legal!) hit.

Ray Lewis. He's also got a little Obama in him. He was once involved with some nefarious characters (you and I call them "murderers), but now he's living the clean life.

Brett Favre. He could run some absurd "I'm just a regular guy" campaign, which would probably effectively fool our populace. Once elected, though, every bill that came across his desk would get signed and whited-out approximately 928 times before he made an actual decision. John Kerry would accuse him of being too flip-floppy.

Mark Schlereth. The ESPN analyst and former Denver Bronco was born in Alaska, obviously making him a foreign relations expect.

Mike Singletary. Would be an exciting candidate and could really get the people motivated, but would probably flame out when he dropped his pants and delivered a speech with his manhood free and dangling, just to make a point.